October 22, 2011

Simple formula for instilling unease in a person you've just met

A: Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you!
B: All good things, I hope!
A: Oh yeah, definitely. You know, except for that one thing.
B: Oh? What thing is that?
A: Haha, you know I'm just kidding.
B: Right, right...

These tablets are for consumption

I got lucky and came up with a witty title for this one despite sleep deprivation. I could probably go on some sarcastic diatribe about how we happily pay half a thousand dollars for a magazine-consolidating bathroom reading device while people with TB lack necessary medical supplies; but, surprisingly, my goal is not to torture you, dear reader. Mostly because you've got it going on.

In reality, I just wanted to confess to the world that I get it now. Work recently lent me an Asus Transformer tablet (sans fancy keyboard dock thing I've heard about) in order to debug a JS problem in OS X cross compiles. So, I took the plunge, trying to figure out what people actually use these things for in their daily lives.

For me, the answer was pretty simple: streamlined content consumption.

I quickly learned that I can't create anything of value on a tablet in its natural habitat — at least, until the demand for "world's funniest pot-roast-fisted input device typing error videos" goes mainstream.

At first, I found this infuriating. Most of my typical computing time is spent creating things — things of questionable value though they may be. But then, a docile sense of calm and well being washed over me, like that inexplicable clump of undissolved Koolaid powder licked off the lips of a siren or a wildly misfired tranquilizer dart.

I don't have to try to produce things all the time. I can chill.

Reading books in the book reader, catching up on bug mail, knocking down a few cool and refreshing feed reader entries on one of California's patronizingly delectably prodigiously warm October days.

Sure, all the cross country runners care about now is training, but if you entice them to run in a giant hamster ball, how much more likely are they to stop and smell the roses?

(Presumably the aforementioned hamster ball has large air holes that you could potentially smell flowers through.)

The latest in monkey development

We've optimized closures, PIC'd on JavaScript, ARM'd ourselves to the hilt, been eradicated by robot overlords, and mapped the monkeysphere. We've been through a lot together. You've had to read a lot of words.

I'm happy to present you with the latest in monkey developments — you've earned it:

Why JS performance matters

The year is 2025, and, despite ample warning from The Prophecies — formerly known as The Terminator Box Set — robots have taken over the world. There are now only two kinds of dances: The Robot, and The Robo-Boogie.

Now, it's a well known fact that robots hate type annotations and template metaprogramming: they have determined that wheely-chair swordfighting is a futile and irrational activity. As predicted within a 94.67% confidence interval by programming-linguist No-amp Chomp-sky, [*] during the robo-revolution, which was most certainly televised, [†] C++ was the first language up against the wall.

As one would probably expect, humans, under the valiant command of General Yoshimi, scorched the sky in order to blot out the sun and deprive the robots of their primary energy source: the ineffable beauty of a sunrise. The robots knew that they could have used coal or nuclear energy as a viable power source substitute, but they were hella pissed off, so they decided to make human farms instead. By harvesting the heat energy from a human over the course of its lifetime, the robots created the most expansive and massively inefficient energy source ever known, but they still felt really good about it.

However, a dilemma arose for the robotic overlords: without internet access, the humans kept dying from boredom. Entire crops were lost.

One of the first robots that human software engineers (foolishly) designed to write programs, W3CPO, volunteered a solution: write a web browser, but using as much JavaScript as possible. At the beep-hest of its colleagues, W3CPO dot-matrix printed [‡] the following explanation:

By implementing both the DOM and layout engine in JavaScript, we enable the JS engine's feedback directed optimizations to work as effectively as possible.

This helps bring JavaScript performance closer to that of C speeds for whole-page workloads: whereas in the "before time" JavaScript optimizers had to treat calls to native functions as a black box, we now ensure that all of the computationally intensive parts of the workload are visible to the static and dynamic optimization analyses.

DOM manipulations will still trigger layout calculations — the rendering feedback loop happens exactly as in the "before time". The difference is that layout computations enqueue draw commands in an explicitly native-shared buffer for rendering in a different thread or whatever. [W3CPO printed, waving his robo-hands in the air.]

Such a setup would reduce a "browser" to a platform layer: kick-(shiny-metal-)ass JavaScript VM and system abstraction APIs; and a rendering component: the JavaScript implementation of everything that leads up to those draw commands.

We can keep the hu-mons entertained by playing them YouTubes while they are safely nestled, docile and complacent, in OurTubes. [§]

END OF LINE

The idea was rejected by the other robots on the committee when W3CPO refused to write a translator to turn it into idiom-free C++, but W3CPO remained resolute as it carefully peeled off the edges of his printout and placed it in his Trapper Keeper 9000. With the approval of W3CPO's ro-boss, an implementation was hacked up in about ten days (without any sleep).

In 2020 the TC-39 model Terminator had made ECMAScript v1337 entirely composed of whitespace for backwards compatibility with old syntaxes that nobody really wanted to use. As a result, the implementation wasn't much to look at, but it sure flew!

Thanks to the determined efforts and constructive competition between the JavaScript engine vendors in the fabled 2010 decade, the human race was successfully enslaved once again. There were still some insurgencies from the human C++-programmer resistance, the typename T party; however, with newfound YouTube capabilities, identified resistance members were quickly dispatched to Room 101, known as Room 5 to the humans, to watch Rebecca Black and Rick Astley in infinite loop.

And so the robots lived happily ever after. But for the humans... not so much.

Binary solo!

Footnotes

[*]

The inexplicable brainchild of a circuit designer and a Perl programmer.

[†]

In Ultra-Giga-High (UGH) definition.

[‡]

Dot matrix printers are retro-chique, like the Converse All-Stars of robot culture.

[§]

OurTube was a webapp-slash-self-driving-cryo-tube suspiciously invented by Google several years before the robo-revolution. Though it was still in beta, its sole purpose was to extract as much heat and ad-targeting data from a human subject as possible without actually killing them. The algorithm was said to use deadly German eigenvector technology.

B&B++: bed and breakfast for programmers

1. Collect background

This is the latest in my steal-my-idea-but-give-me-free-stuff-after-you-do series, with slightly more earning potential than my last installment, "Strike a Cord".

I recently spoke to some Mozillians who had participated in a "code retreat" — I'd only heard tale of such a thing in lore and folk song, but it seems like a brilliant concept.

The idea is this: a small think tank (of one or more persons) requires a large amount of code throughput on a task which requires a high degree of focus. To facilitate that, they run far from the middling issues of civilized society and deep into the wilderness [*] to code "butt-necked in harmony with Eywa". [†] Through single-minded concentration and a dearth of non-maskable interrupts, they emerge victorious. [‡]

2. ?

Follow these simple steps to steal my idea:

  1. Assume that the aforementioned code retreat process is awesome.

  2. Make a bed-and-breakfast in the outskirts of a city that's attractive to programmers (for whatever reason).

  3. Offer retreats with high-speed internet access, offices with whiteboards, mirra chairs, height-adjustable desks, pay-as-you-go phone conference equipment, high-res DLP projectors, disco balls, whatever. Make it clearly "the works". If you want to go even further, mount speakers and sound-proof the walls. [§]

  4. Make the experience as luxurious and classy as reasonably possible so that the programmers respect the "sanctity" of the retreat: chef-prepared meals, an indisputably good coffee machine, a Z80 prominently featured as a piece of wall art, and a complimentary bag-o-munchy-chips regimen. Beautiful scenery in which one can walk and think would definitely be a plus, and proximity to a nerd-friendly bar never hurt a nerdy establishment either.

The patrons have a good degree of flexibility as a result of this setup. They might hole themselves away in offices 95% of the time, emerging only to sleep, gather delicious food, and scuttle back into their offices. Alternatively, if they're on a more casual endeavor (coding vacation?), they might choose to strike up conversations with people at meals and go out to see the sites.

3. Profit!

Please do steal my idea and make a lot of money for yourself (share it with no one!) — I only ask that you offer me a free stay once you get off the ground.

I'll leave you off with a little marketing campaign idea:

B&B++: universally evaluated as the way to B, and, after each bed and breakfast, we get a little bit better. Until we overflow. [¶]

Footnotes

[*]

Or a hotel.

[†]

Sadly, I can't take credit for this phrase.

[‡]

Readers familiar with XP may draw a parallel to the practice of Kanban, which has a fascinating backstory, and acknowledges the awesome power of JIT.

[§]

For the mercy of those who dislike techno.

[¶]

Hey, I'm giving this advice away for free, you can't expect it to all be good. No company ever survived giving their excellent primary product away for free. [#]

[#]

Ugh, too much meta-humor. If you've read and understood up to this point, I apologize.