January 23, 2012

Accomplish your new year's resolution of being more badass

I know what you're going through — I've done it all before.

The market is teeming with products that purport to help you meet your badassery quota.

First you do the shakes. Then, you go with the bars that say they're infused with the good stuff, but just seem to leave a slightly corrugated taste in your mouth. Finally, you're droppin' hard-earned dinero on a facility that you don't need or a professional badassery trainer whose appointments you desperately wish you could cancel.

But I'm here to tell you don't need to shell out cash-money to become more badass, my friends. Not anymore, thanks to the beauty of open source, the ES6 plans wiki page, and our delightful SpiderMonkey technical staff who are standing by to receive your calls for mentorship.

Allow me to explain.

Badass begets badass

You may have seen Badass JavaScript: self described as, "A showcase of awesome JavaScript code that pushes the boundaries of what's possible on the web." Check out their badass year in review if you haven't. (Some of the stuff that the interwebs has done with JavaScript even has @NeckbeardHacker envious.)

It probably won't surprise you, but do you know what those folks love? JavaScript evolution. There's nothing quite so refreshing as a fresh-squeezed JS language feature that removes that irritating itching-burning sensation. Sets that do what you mean! String repetition that you can use without copy/pasting from your last project! Inverse hyperbolic sine that you can use for... your... math! (Again, all of this is in the ES6 plans.)

I, for example, have wanted String.prototype.startsWith very badly, to the point that I've started washing people's window panes against their will as they exit highway 101. Around here, odds are that a programmer sees my sign and implements the thing just to stop me from bothering them again. (A little tactic that I call SpiderGuerilla warfare.)

Me, holding my SpiderGuerilla sign.

So what are you waiting for?

I know, you're probably already quite beefcake, but here's my three step plan:

  1. Watch the SpiderMonkey hacking intro.

  2. Pick out a bug from the ES6 plans.

  3. Come talk to great people on irc.mozilla.org in channel #jsapi (for example, cdleary, jorendorff, luke, or whoever else is in there) or comment in the bug — tell them that you're on a quest to become even more badass, describe a bug that you're interested in taking, and give a quick note on what you've done with the engine so far — for example, walking through the video in step 1! We'll find you a mentor who will get you started on the right track.

Don't miss out on this exclusive offer — SpiderMonkey contribution is not sold in stores.

In fact, if you act now, we'll throw in an IonMonkey shirt (or another Firefox shirt of equivalent awesomeness) and publish a blurb about your feature in Mozilla hacks. Of course, you can also have yourself added to about:credits, providing that's what you are into.

IonMonkey shirt.

This one-of-a-kind offer is too ridonk to pass up. Just listen to this testimonial from one of our badass contributors:

I started contributing to SpiderMonkey and now I can write a JIT compiler from scratch in a matter of days. BEEFCAKE!

@evilpies [Liberally paraphrased]

See you in the tubes!